This above all

Back in the day, before I started dating my ex, I went on lots of dates with guys I termed “NGNCs” — “Nice Guy, No Chemistry.” I had no trouble telling these lovely gents when they called to ask me out again, “I think you’re a great guy, I just don’t think we’re a good match.” Generally, I’d give a good guy a second chance (i.e., second date) but if I still didn’t “feel it” after that, I’d let him down as gently as I could, but with no qualms or second thoughts.

Now, though, I find myself unable to do that. I’ve had third, fourth, even fifth dates because I’m overwhelmed by the thought of saying, “Sorry, I’m not interested.” I finally told one guy that I wasn’t ready for anything serious, and he should call me in a few months. But I know full well that even in a few months, I won’t be interested in him.

I’m at the point where I would rather lie to a guy — which is ultimately unfair to him, as well as to me — than tell the truth and hurt him in the moment.

I think what it comes down to is fear. I have this deep-seated, paralyzing, irrational fear that since the person who (supposedly) loved me best decided that I wasn’t worth it anymore, maybe nobody will ever love me again, and therefore if a nice guy is interested in me, I “should” be interested in him, and I sure as heck shouldn’t push him away because what if nobody else is ever interested? And that’s really how the thought process goes, run-on sentence and all.

I realized the other night that I want the impossible. I want him never to have asked me to marry him. I want never to have fallen in love with him. Which, backtracking, means I want never to have gone out with him. I want the last 10 months never to have happened. And I can never, ever have that.

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2 Responses to This above all

  1. Stacey says:

    All of this makes sense and is understandable, given what you have gone through. In your weak moments, please remind yourself of everything you have going for yourself (and there is SOOOOO much). You are worthy of love and being loved. Never forget that.

  2. Scott says:

    I dated someone for a long time as well. We were going to shop for rings and I was going to move to Vermont to be with her. We went to a friend’s wedding where things seemed to be good, but the next day when we were suppose to look for rings she got all weird on me and we broke up in November. It was a rough few months for me and the relationships that I had that year were just for the sake of being in a relationship and I knew it. Then I met Beth about a year later. I think some things in that story should seem familiar to you. I think you have yet to meet “the one”. I feel he may not be your intellectual equal but he will be your creative equal though. Which is a good thing, because when was the last time you ever heard someone say, “I love you with all my brain.”

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