This above all

28 January 2007

Back in the day, before I started dating my ex, I went on lots of dates with guys I termed “NGNCs” — “Nice Guy, No Chemistry.” I had no trouble telling these lovely gents when they called to ask me out again, “I think you’re a great guy, I just don’t think we’re a good match.” Generally, I’d give a good guy a second chance (i.e., second date) but if I still didn’t “feel it” after that, I’d let him down as gently as I could, but with no qualms or second thoughts.

Now, though, I find myself unable to do that. I’ve had third, fourth, even fifth dates because I’m overwhelmed by the thought of saying, “Sorry, I’m not interested.” I finally told one guy that I wasn’t ready for anything serious, and he should call me in a few months. But I know full well that even in a few months, I won’t be interested in him.

I’m at the point where I would rather lie to a guy — which is ultimately unfair to him, as well as to me — than tell the truth and hurt him in the moment.

I think what it comes down to is fear. I have this deep-seated, paralyzing, irrational fear that since the person who (supposedly) loved me best decided that I wasn’t worth it anymore, maybe nobody will ever love me again, and therefore if a nice guy is interested in me, I “should” be interested in him, and I sure as heck shouldn’t push him away because what if nobody else is ever interested? And that’s really how the thought process goes, run-on sentence and all.

I realized the other night that I want the impossible. I want him never to have asked me to marry him. I want never to have fallen in love with him. Which, backtracking, means I want never to have gone out with him. I want the last 10 months never to have happened. And I can never, ever have that.


Back to blogging

18 January 2007

OK, I miss blogging. So I’m going to start again. I will still post recipes occasionally, never you fear. And I’m not ready to link this out to the wide world yet, so I don’t expect many people to find it or comment on it…As far as I know, two or three people are aware of this blog’s existence.

Anyway. One month from today, I am not getting married. Well, technically, I suppose, there are lots of days when I’m not getting married, but you know what I mean. When my ex called off our wedding, I wasn’t sure I’d ever be able to get over it. I couldn’t imagine ever wanting to flirt with another guy, or go out with another guy, or anything. But in the nearly three months since the break-up, I have gone out with, I think, 5 different guys. One of them wanted to get serious, and I told him he could try calling me in a few months, but I’m not ready for anything like that yet. One has been very persistent even though we’ve yet to actually have a second date. One was for sure a one-date-wonder (NGNC – nice guy, no chemistry). One was worthy of two dates, maybe more. One (Math Boy) is the one I’m most interested in out of all of them, and he called the other night for two reasons: one, to invite me out to a couple of parties on Saturday night; and two, in his words: “I don’t want to be presumptuous or think too far ahead, but I don’t know what you’re looking for, and right now I’m not really looking for anything serious, since most of my free time will be spent studying for a big exam.” Perfect! Exactly what I wanted.

So. I still cry randomly when I think about what I’ve lost and what I miss. And there’s a lot that I miss. But I do know that it was for the best, that it will make me stronger. And I hope it will make me a better person / girlfriend / hopefully someday fiancee / wife…And for now, I am proud of myself for getting back out there, for staying positive as much as I can, and for not giving up.

And I am really grateful for my family and friends who have been there for me, calling and inviting me out to make sure I’m leaving the house, checking in on me to make sure I’m not wallowing in too much self-pity, etc. I really am lucky.